Rule #2 - Use What You Have, and Rule #3 - Move

Of course, coming back here with any regularity is just not going to happen. But here I am again, with lots of changes to report.

First of all, my stepfather (who was "father" to me longer than my own father) passed away on January 24. It was a quiet passing, and it has left us all with mixed emotions. The heart of the matter is that he was not the same person he was when he first came into our lives. He was chronically unhappy, and in his latter years seemed determined to make all of us unhappy, too. At the very least, he wanted us to know how unhappy he was. I'm so sorry he ended his life that way. He was determined not to live well, so at the end he just let his health deteriorate, refusing to help himself or to let the doctors really help him. And he was so angry with my mom, who, admittedly, can be hard to live with. Anyway, I'm afraid that what people feel now is a little relief, because Mom still has some time left to live and she is in a place where she can be around people and be happy. There was no funeral, really no acknowledgement of his passing. I was not there when he passed, but he was surrounded by a circle of family who said their goodbyes. I hope he's happier now. When we speak of him, we're starting to remember the better days.

Secondly, I'm back at San Clemente. Not the "real" library, but in the bookmobile, a temporary place for our patrons to come to. I've only been at work for two days, but I can tell I'm going to love it.

Recap on Rule #1 - Not too bad. There are times at the end of the day that I have to remind myself that the day's irritations don't have to be carried into the next day. This is primarily kid related. C has been particularly difficult lately. I'm irritated/angry with him a lot. And it hurts because I love him so much and want his love in return. And I tend to project current kid problems into the future - what if he's always like this? Kind of silly. So I'm working on it and feeling better. Work irritations have kind of disappeared with the move.

So, Rule #2 - Use what you have whenever possible. There's a lot of waste that goes on here. In addition, I find that all of us immediately look to the "new" for solutions - books to read, meals to eat, yarn to knit. The house is chock full of stuff, much of which could be eliminated altogether. But that's another post. My own personal goal is to not buy yarn until at least half of what I have is knitted up. There's a really fun podcast called "Stash and Burn" which I suspect was begun for that very reason. I need to check into their blog more frequently. The second area I can work on personally is groceries: plan and prepare meals based on what we already have in the house. Reduce waste! Yeah!

And on to Rule #3 - Move! I got a Fitbit for Christmas. Counting steps is great, and I'm finding other aspects useful, too. Sadly, no weight loss, but that will come, I think. The Fitbit is making me more aware. I find I like the 2,000 steps (on average) that come with walking the dog, and my latest commitment is to walk him every day. I'm finding it best to do it in the morning before I shower, etc., for work. I think I can begin taking a short walk during my day at the library, but not yet. For now, this is helping.

Rule #1 and Updates

I like NCIS. I love Jethro's list of rules. In working on my new attitude and approach to the world, I've found myself making rules. A rule gives me something to hold on to - a reminder or a nudge toward a better attitude. One of my friends posts affirmations where she can see them every day. I don't have a place for posting that wouldn't be disturbed by kids or cleaners (and I'm not giving up my cleaners), so this may be the spot. So far, there are two rules that have been spinning around in my head, but of course, I can only remember one.

Rule Number 1 - Don't let one irritating event ruin the whole day.
I tend to let irritation rub at me far, far too long. It isn't worth it.

I settled on a Reading Challenge - 95 books. I'm saying 95 because I don't plan to include the books I'm reading for my postal book club (I might give away secrets). So that's eight books a month, which I think I can do. And I have started to whittle at my Goodreads "To Read" list, finding that some of them no longer seem interesting and others that when begun, really aren't that interesting. Reason enough right there to weed through that list more frequently.

I've begun two new knitting projects. One is a blanket project that will use up scraps of washable yarn I have hanging around in the box. We'll see how far I can really get, but it is making me feel virtuous. No waste. I plan to start a different blanket pattern to use up my wools. The second project is a long cowl done in moss stitch. I have quite a lot of natural colored Paton's wool that just hasn't thrilled me. So far, I'm enjoying it and it's pretty mindless. Good for me right now.

Here's a reminder to myself to address my second rule tomorrow: Use what you have whenever possible.

Endings and Beginnings

I was very surprised to see that I had actually written in this blog during 2014 - January was a long time ago. My "blogging" days are really over, but there are times when I feel like expressing the current mood in writing. There are days I want to remember, feelings I want to hold on to. So here is the place to do it, at least for right now.

I first began this diary to cleanse myself of stress and frustration. Has that all gone away? Of course not. But life looks a little rosier now. There's more calm. Moments of happiness and occasionally pure joy shine through. And this is happening more often. My mindset is so much on the "half empty" side, that I need to remind myself from time to time that if I may not have many more moments to cherish, so I'd better get to it.

I want to begin 2015 with different goals, or maybe with a different intent for my goals. Today I feel like they're going to be self-serving, they will be intended to make me feel happier and more aware of the abundance that I have. At this very moment, I've been working on my Goodreads account, which was begun to make me more aware of and systematic about my reading? Why? I don't know. It just makes me feel happier. I didn't have a reading goal last year. The year before it was 100 books, which I just barely made. Couldn't read that many this year, and somehow the goal of numbers didn't make an impact on me other than pressure. So what should it be? I have a moderate "to-read" list on Goodreads, which I seldom consult. So one reading goal could be to reduce that list with regularity. It's meant to keep me from holding on to books because I'm afraid they looked interesting. So instead of snagging books as I see them, I'll add them to the "to-read" shelf and let each book take its turn on the shelf. Let's see how long this one lasts!

This year was to be the year that I found time to do more of the things that are personally satisfying to me - right now those things would be knitting and genealogy. So I think I should choose one morning a week - Wednesday - that is my genealogy day. I might find other times during the week, but Wednesday morning is a date (at least after holiday company leaves). Knitting - there are a lot of times when I'm sitting mindlessly watching tv that I could have something in my hand. I'll have to thing about that one.

A good start. Hope I'll be back again soon. Next time, I want to wrap up holiday memories from this year to hold on to.

Jan. 25, 2014

Feels like we're heading for some changes in the next month. Decision has been made to refinance - it will help us finally get ahead, or at least on an even keel. I have a couple of weeks off, and I'm hoping that will mean progress in my culling & organizing project. This week has again been "unorganized." Too many people home at the same time, can't get anything done. Scorecard for nutrition doctor:

• C went willingly with his mom to take the dog for a walk; exercise!!
• We had a couple of bad eating days - a donut and I unwittingly bought whole milk instead of 1%.
• Favorite bedtime snack is sliced apples/pears with peanut butter.

Maybe if I plan ahead for this week, it will help.

• I would like to clean one more shelf on my bookcase.
• A holiday or birthday page for each of the kids' photo albums.

Miss my kitty, though not really mourning. She had a long, happy life. I think that when we get a new cat (not any time soon), I'd like it to be a gray tabby. We've had one in the house for so long.

Jan. 21, 2014

Feels like I'm trying to recover from last week. Lots of good busy stuff, but also some sadness. We've known for some time that Tabitha couldn't have long to live, and we said goodbye to her on Wednesday. She was such a sweet presence and we were lucky to have her for 18 years. I held together better than I expected. I almost lost it when we received a lovely condolence note from the vet. But this week I'm sad. I think I'm tired and stressed and I just can't fight it off today. Tomorrow will be better.

Doesn't feel like I'm making a lot of progress, so it's time to look at where I am.

• Didn't do a lot of culling last week, but I did successfully tackle the box of books from M's room.
• I have spent a couple of hours at genealogy this week.
• The whole diet thing is getting easier, diet meaning changing our eating habits.

What I can't calculate is our successes in easing R out of her parenting role. C is very resistant and at the moment he swings between loving and hating me. He can hate me if it helps him learn to control his behavior. I think we are making progress, although it's slow.

Jan. 14, 2014

Couple of thoughts for today:

• We can't fight every battle every day. Concentrate on one at a time.
• Wake up every morning with the reminder that, usually, everything is okay. Work from there.

Jan. 13, 2014

Well, bill paying accomplished and it wasn't horrible. Not good, but not horrible. And it wasn't any better for having put it off. I'm going to nag J into paying his portion of the bills on Saturday, after I get paid.

Kind of status quo at home. Diet, some better. Frustration, just as high. But I really am going to work on not taking it so, so seriously. It's important - I want us all to be healthy. But no one is happy when I'm walking around like a crank, angry and frustrated all the time. And that's what this has been. We're getting the junk out of the house, but sometimes it's hard to find anything that sounds good to eat. I need some ideas.

Fruit and peanut butter
Celery and cream cheese
Celery with peanut butter & raisins
Apples and caramel dip - oh, probably not
Pretzels and dip cheese - just maybe
Yogurt and fruit smoothies - don't work well for breakfast, but maybe evening snack?
Chicken or tuna salad with crackers?

What about activity? Shut down the television from 10 to 3 on weekends? And the computer? For everyone?

This is becoming an obsession and I need to get it in perspective. Today I helped Rosanne pack an after-school snack for the kids before I left for work. That's a good step.

Let it be enough for today.