Jan. 25, 2014

Feels like we're heading for some changes in the next month. Decision has been made to refinance - it will help us finally get ahead, or at least on an even keel. I have a couple of weeks off, and I'm hoping that will mean progress in my culling & organizing project. This week has again been "unorganized." Too many people home at the same time, can't get anything done. Scorecard for nutrition doctor:

• C went willingly with his mom to take the dog for a walk; exercise!!
• We had a couple of bad eating days - a donut and I unwittingly bought whole milk instead of 1%.
• Favorite bedtime snack is sliced apples/pears with peanut butter.

Maybe if I plan ahead for this week, it will help.

• I would like to clean one more shelf on my bookcase.
• A holiday or birthday page for each of the kids' photo albums.

Miss my kitty, though not really mourning. She had a long, happy life. I think that when we get a new cat (not any time soon), I'd like it to be a gray tabby. We've had one in the house for so long.

Jan. 21, 2014

Feels like I'm trying to recover from last week. Lots of good busy stuff, but also some sadness. We've known for some time that Tabitha couldn't have long to live, and we said goodbye to her on Wednesday. She was such a sweet presence and we were lucky to have her for 18 years. I held together better than I expected. I almost lost it when we received a lovely condolence note from the vet. But this week I'm sad. I think I'm tired and stressed and I just can't fight it off today. Tomorrow will be better.

Doesn't feel like I'm making a lot of progress, so it's time to look at where I am.

• Didn't do a lot of culling last week, but I did successfully tackle the box of books from M's room.
• I have spent a couple of hours at genealogy this week.
• The whole diet thing is getting easier, diet meaning changing our eating habits.

What I can't calculate is our successes in easing R out of her parenting role. C is very resistant and at the moment he swings between loving and hating me. He can hate me if it helps him learn to control his behavior. I think we are making progress, although it's slow.

Jan. 14, 2014

Couple of thoughts for today:

• We can't fight every battle every day. Concentrate on one at a time.
• Wake up every morning with the reminder that, usually, everything is okay. Work from there.

Jan. 13, 2014

Well, bill paying accomplished and it wasn't horrible. Not good, but not horrible. And it wasn't any better for having put it off. I'm going to nag J into paying his portion of the bills on Saturday, after I get paid.

Kind of status quo at home. Diet, some better. Frustration, just as high. But I really am going to work on not taking it so, so seriously. It's important - I want us all to be healthy. But no one is happy when I'm walking around like a crank, angry and frustrated all the time. And that's what this has been. We're getting the junk out of the house, but sometimes it's hard to find anything that sounds good to eat. I need some ideas.

Fruit and peanut butter
Celery and cream cheese
Celery with peanut butter & raisins
Apples and caramel dip - oh, probably not
Pretzels and dip cheese - just maybe
Yogurt and fruit smoothies - don't work well for breakfast, but maybe evening snack?
Chicken or tuna salad with crackers?

What about activity? Shut down the television from 10 to 3 on weekends? And the computer? For everyone?

This is becoming an obsession and I need to get it in perspective. Today I helped Rosanne pack an after-school snack for the kids before I left for work. That's a good step.

Let it be enough for today.

Jan. 11,2014

Things not going so well today - residual from yesterday, in which I reached overload and spent the day avoiding paying bills.

Need to deal with that one right away. Even when things aren't tight, I stress about the bill paying. For three days my stomach hurts and I display major avoidance action. You know what? We always manage. The month after Christmas is generally hard, but it's not unmanageable. I don't doubt that even if we had tons of money, I'd still worry that it wasn't going to be enough. Not very grown up of me. Got to work out a system, but I don't know what it is yet. February's a short month - maybe it will feel better.

We saw the nutrition doctor yesterday. If we did things her way, we would completely stop eating any processed foods at all, which at the moment would mean throwing away a ton of food, which I'm not going to do. Any step we make and keep making in the right direction will result in improvement. So my strategy with her is going to be to make what changes I can, consistently as possible, in our food consumption. Any activity I can get the family involved in is better than none, so give us points for what we do accomplish. Monitor the heck out of Rosanne and her impulses to give the kids junk on a regular basis. Bad girl for taking them to McDonald's? Yes, she could have planned ahead. Most of all, I want to stop feeling pressured to do it all perfectly and then feeling guilty about it. One hour of electronics/ tv a day? That is a family decision, and moderation is going to have to be enough. I can't fight that many battles. Sheesh. When I see her, I'm just going to report the good stuff.

My present black mood has kept me from accomplishing a whole lot. So next week will be a fresh start.

Jan. 8, 2014

Such a busy day. Didn't get all of my intended chores done, but I did get some of the Christmas stuff taken down from the family room, and in the process straightened the two bookshelves in there. I didn't cull out a lot of stuff, but I did clean off the hearth and reorganized the turf supply! I also got a good bit of laundry done, generally felt like I made some progress. And it wasn't all Christmas! Tomorrow I'll finish the laundry and see if I can find the downstairs tv remote!


The afternoon got complicated - took C to have his glasses adjusted and had to wash M's hair for lice again. Still found time to knit a little and the kids got their homework done with time to play xbox afterwards. Have to count it as a successful day.

Jan. 7, 2014

My head was full of ideas about this post on my way in to work this morning, but they have fled. It was good getting everyone off to school this morning, and I had a productive start: made beds, cooked soup for dinner and got the kitchen cleaned up. I reminded R about not bothering her dad, and she said she'd pick up the kids between 3:30 and 4:00. I'll be surprised if she waits that late. I realize she doesn't have much of a sense of time and picking them up is just the next thing she's scheduled to do. Time is a factor only when her dad or I mention it.

I'm feeling like my feet are stuck in a mud puddle - I can't move anywhere. Maybe tonight I can work on some genealogy after the kids go to bed. Or before if I can get them to watch tv upstairs in our room, which will work if J doesn't have to work tonight.

Today is Allie's 18th birthday - can't believe she's all grown up. Seems like we haven't seen her in forever, and I wonder if we will see her again. Fallout from G's divorce - no fun. I was a bad grandma and did not send a present. I never know when she gets them, and if she does get them, does she like them. Guess I'm feeling rebellious, but I'm not sure I have to put up with bad manners. I did send an ecard, so she's been told she's loved.

So tomorrow.

• Put Christmas away
• Clean one more shelf
• Sort through M's books

A good list of tasks.

Jan. 6, 2014

Started taking Christmas down today. We didn't get too far, but at least it's started. My inner self wants to push forward organizing here and culling out there, but practically, that's not going to work. I'd like to set myself goals that will eventually result in the "live with less" home I want. My bedroom calls to me, but I think this week it needs to be Christmas. I got very little joy from the decorations this year. Many of them are old and tired, so it's time to do some serious sorting. The "everyday" Christmas dishes (not my nice ones) have been packed in a box for Goodwill. I'm off Wednesday and will try to get most of it all put away.

Jim is really stressed with work, and I know he's falling further and further behind. Rosanne and I need to combine forces to give him more privacy in his work space and to interrupt him less. Some ideas:

• Set a time when she can interrupt him.
• Set times that I'll be in touch so that she knows I'll be calling her or that I'll be available.
• Make that room a complete "no-go" zone for kids while Grandpa's working.
• Talk with kids about the need for them to stay at the Y after school.
• If they want to be picked up early, go to the park. No-kid zone until 4:00.

That's a start. Unfortunately, it means that I have to be more available, but the alternative is to leave Rosanne hanging, and that's not good. Maybe she needs to have regular meetings with Jim, too.

Jan. 5, 2014

How did three days slip past me? I wasn't going to let this happen. One was a work day, but that's really no excuse. I think it's time for a summing up:

1. Live with less - not sure how I'm doing on that. I've really only managed two shelves. I have done better about not acquiring - used my Christmas money for a haircut instead on more stuff, made an effort to cook with what's in the larder instead of heading out to the store.

2. Economy - see note re: haircut. Want a new pair of shoes, and although I could squeak them out of the grocery budget, I've made up my mind to hold on to as much of my weekly "spending" as I can, then using it for something new I need or want. But I have yet to sit down and pay the bills or put together the monthly budget. Maybe I can make myself do that tomorrow.

3. Eat well - I'm still planning meals with a passion, but there are some food changes in store for the family that I'm having to deal with. However, I did make a lovely salmon dish, cooked two meals ahead for the busy week.

4. Hobbies - some knitting, a little genealogy. I think I can legitimately work on genealogy at the library. I actually got asked for help from a patron (who is also a librarian, but that's neither here or there).

5. R - not going so well. The best I've been able to muster is to remind myself that many times I'm speaking to the mental illness. But I don't think I've been mean or unkind. I have been establishing boundaries.

6. Connecting - lots of ideas. I need to do a checking in letter at least every other week. I want to email a different friend at least once a week to feel like I'm staying in touch. I can use Facebook to message people I don't talk to every day.

It's going to be hard to keep all of this in mind. I don't want this journal to turn into a log of what I do every day, although that's helpful sometimes, too. Tonight I need to note that C is getting calmer, there's been improvement over the last few days. Lot of contributing factors, probably - meds back up, J and I taking more substantial responsibility for guiding him, fun times with his cousin. I think things will be better when he's back in school. M has been a handful, but not out of control. Her birthday's coming up - party to plan. All is good.

Jan. 2, 2014

Hard to make much progress in the housework when the house is full of people. Is this an excuse for not getting much done? Maybe, but I hope not. Really, it wasn't that bad. Today was groceries, a little straightening in the kitchen, and then I took the boys bowling, not quite as much fun as I'd hoped. C has been so hard lately, and I am definitely Public Enemy #1. That's what happens when one is the enforcer. His attitude has just been terrible, and I'm really hoping things will pull back into shape when school starts again. I have to remember that our decision to become the disciplinarians has been fairly recent, and he was having a lot more fun when his mom was in charge with her less than firm backbone. Thinking it through, I imagine what I have to do is to be structured without losing my temper, and balance it with some perks. Tonight he played outside before he got on the xbox; after dinner and shower we had a family wii tournament.

One of my original goals for 2014 was to live with more economy. Today I decided that I need a haircut more than I need new yarn. The family budget just won't handle it this month, but my Christmas money will, so that's what I'm going to do with it. My appointment's Saturday.

J and I talked about the new health regimen we're trying to put in place, ostensibly for C's sake, but incidentally for the benefit of the whole family. I've spent the last week nagging C to be outside playing, with little success. But what we need to do is set an example, J and I riding bikes, taking the dog for a walk, etc., and expecting the rest of the family to participate. I think it will be successful. We've found a couple of new activities that cost some money but are full of fun: the trampoline park and bowling. On Sunday we plan to stop at the Great Park on the way to my mother's house for a visit. Last time we were there, there was a frisbee golf course set up. I don't know what will be there, but we can check it out. And there's a basketball hoop in front of my mom's house, and I'll ask her to make the computers unavailable.

The food situation is getting better. Tonight we ate fish and rice. G is wanting to change his diet (the healthiest eater of us all), and some of his changes will be good for all of us. Anyway, I'm going to try to cook fish once a week - I'll have to do some searching to find recipes to use.

I hate feeling like a failure, and that's how I feel when C says I'm the meanest Grandma in the world. I'm also the one who makes sure he has what he needs and make certain that he has happy times. I know he'll realize it some day. At the very least, I know he loves me. But it's hard.

Jan. 1, 2014

A harder day today, probably because we're all tired and the kids are out of routine, meaning Christian wants to be on the Xbox all day. Forward momentum: not much. I did start some laundry, visit with Judie to talk over meal planning, made a lasagna for dinner and took a nap. Better tomorrow.

One kind thought for Rosanne today: she often can't help the way she is. She does not choose to be child-like, she just can't help it.