Dec. 31,2013

This morning I met with some friends and we talked through our "intentions" for 2014. Interesting that many of this year's thoughts are refinements of goals we set for last year. Some we had made progress on, others we had skipped altogether. Also interesting, I'm finding that an exercise I created a few years ago to try to make a friend's birthday lunch a little more memorable has really started to take on meaning. We're learning more about each other and becoming closer despite my tendency to stay private.

A pretty great day. Took the kids to a trampoline park, made a fancy appetizer for the party we're attending tonight, took an almost nap.

Looking forward to an evening with friends. I realized this morning that I need to find more moments to relish and enjoy in my days. I tend to rush headlong from one responsibility to the next. Watching G spend time with his son and extending himself to C is a precious thing.

Monday, Dec. 30, 2013

A pretty nice day, all round. We still have summer weather. C & M went to the Y for the morning, G & j took off for the day. J was out in the field, so I shared the house with R and got a bit done.

I pulled out my yarn stash and selected patterns for the yarn I have on hand. There were some scraps, some of which I saved, and some single skeins that can be used for small projects. But there are four or five bagged projects waiting for me. I also cleaned a couple of the bookshelves in our room - two shelves out of one case. It looks nicer, though, and it won't be hard to get back to it.

I didn't remember to be nice to R. I wasn't grouchy, but it's hard when she has nothing to do. I can't sit and read without her sitting and watching me. It will be better when she's back in school and when she's replaced her phone. She simply has no hobbies or real interests.

G is so much more relaxed than he's been. C and M don't seem to irritate him so much, and tonight, when Mackenzie announced she was a lesbian (not knowing what she was saying, I hope), he couldn't help but laugh at her along with everyone else. It really changes the atmosphere in the house.

Exchanged emails with Faith and made a checking in phone call to my mother. I also responded to a chatty note from my sister-in-law, so feel like I moved out a little. Tomorrow is our "Intention" day, which always leads to interesting discussions.

Day 1

So how did it go today? Not quite as planned, but it was a busy day. We DID make it to church. I was blessed with some quiet time with Gil today, a time to talk about his plans, what's going on, etc. He took me to buy an I-phone today - insisted I had to have it. Between him and Jim, I'm pretty blessed. That purchase took a good part of the afternoon, but I still got a little sorting done in my bedroom - wrapping paper organized. Christian got some exercise - a bike ride with Gil and James and later some basketball. All good. So, a little progress was made. Not too bad.

Intentions

This poor blog, along with my other blog, just sits here languishing. The original intention proved to be unworkable. But I can't quite cut myself loose. It's more personal than the family blog, and if I learn to use it, could be way to help me sort out the chaos that hangs around in my mind most of the time. So, let's try again.

Intentions for 2014:

1. Live with less - less stuff, less clutter, less "electronic" input.
2. Live with economy - not penury, not always doing without, just being careful with money.
3. Eat well - healthily, economically, sensually, with appreciation.
4. Be passionate with my hobbies - knitting, genealogy. Reading is not a hobby, it's as necessary for me as breathing.
5. Do one loving thing for Rosanne every day. In addition, have at least one compassionate thought.
6. Connect with more people.

If this is going to work, I need a plan. My impulse is to just sit here and spout ideas, but that will lead to more chaos. There are so many changes that need to be made, so much going on all of the time.

What I'm struggling with this week is wanting to organize and not being able to focus on anything long enough to get started. So pick a spot. My knitting. I'm dying to get in and organize what stash I have and decide on new projects. So that's my starting point - other projects can wait their turn.

Cooking & meal planning - I'm going to tweak my menu planning. Include two really easy, do-ahead things and enough meals to fill out the week. Then decide each day what works. Better have a couple of backups, too - canned soup, etc.

So, it's a start!

Vacation Plans

Ideas for things I can do while on hiatus from work:
Evening movie with the kids

• Make sushi
• Try out recipes for bento boxes
• Day out with Janet
• Beach, at least once
• Walk Conor

Problem areas to clean:

• Girls' closet
• Linen closet
• Supply closet
• Sideboard

My House is a House...

What a woefully poor job I have done at keeping this blog up, or for following up on my "big plan." It isn't that it's been out of mind, though. I will not say that I haven't made progress. It just isn't as much progress or necessarily the kind of progress I intended. The plus: I have been increasingly better about spending spare moments in cleaning up little areas. It's helping, too. The house isn't spotless, but it's cleaner. Many areas that I straighten up actually stay neater. It's much easier to sweep through and clean up clutter when it hasn't stacked so high. So, one for me.

February was supposed to be to take care of me - doctor appointments, etc. Well, that hasn't happened. I did find a NAMI group and attended one meeting. It was inspiring, and it gave my soul a rest, and I will go back regularly. So that's a little bit of health stuff. My current plan is to extend that goal into March. My resolution will be for one walk a day, at least 10 minutes. For 30 days, I can do that.

Now, the subject of my post. It feels like I'm getting closer to understanding and accepting me, meaning it's time to drop a lot of the "I should" ideas and recognize and appreciate what I have. Fairly frequently an idea pops into my head that says, "I'm a person who ..." This morning, that thought was about my house. It came from a moment yesterday when I was getting ready to start dinner and was anticipating the fun I'd have putting the meal together. Reviewing that moment, my thought this morning was, "My house is a house that usually smells good at dinner time." I like the evening meal. Yes, the kids can be crabby, and there aren't as many manners as there could be. Voices are often loud and enthusiastic. Conversation is not peaceful or quiet. But I've prepared food that I've put a lot of thought into and the family is gathered all in one spot, generally enjoying it. It is the only time of day that all of us are together. We're not all cheerful or fun, but we're together, and the shared moment is important. I want the family to anticipate good meals, that's my gift to them. Someday, they'll remember being there and eating that food. I want it to be special.

January's End

I don't think I want to measure my success or failure. I just want to soldier on. Next month I'm adding "Health" to my list of concerns, but will persevere with the cleaning.

Depressed about Rosanne. The counselor hit her hard yesterday - she's still mad and I think as long as she's mad, she won't move forward. What I want to say to her is, "Froda's right; you hide behind your mental illness too often. If you want your life to move forward, you must train yourself to take and maintain those little steps." Alas, she will or she won't. All I can do is pray and try not to get too upset.

A Little Progress

Some tasks that have been tackled in the last couple of days:

• Dry goods pantry cleaned
• Canned good pantry cleaned
• Tupperware cupboard organized
• Knitting stash organized

What I've done for myself:

• Done more reading
• Knitted nearly every day
• Made a little time to work on my genealogy

Mental/emotional issues, dealt with and to deal with:

• Dealt with Christian's bad behavior at the library
• Need to come to some understanding with James. This is a big one, because he and I just can't seem to mesh.
• Aforementioned is all mixed up with how Gil is feeling/behaving
• More straightforward and honest with Rosanne - I'm better, but still need improvement 

On Early Rising

Today is Saturday. I didn't need to get up at 6:00 to get lunches ready and kids out the door. The coffee was set to brew so Gil would have it to walk out the door. But Mackenzie woke me at a little before six to crawl into bed with us, then Christian came in at 6:09. He was up. So then was I.

But you know what, getting up early isn't such a bad thing. I'm getting pretty consistent in getting up at that hour, even without an alarm. And this morning it allowed me to cook the soup for dinner, put in a load of laundry and cook breakfast for Gil before he left. Actually, everyone got breakfast, and then I went to pick up Rosanne from her overnight.

Early mornings are my most productive time, so I need to start putting them to better use. On weekday mornings the routine is already pretty full. But I could start a load of laundry. I could pack lunches the night before, but that idea has never worked for some reason. Even one load of laundry would be a good start and we'll see what comes next.

Rant

Time out! Progress report in a minute. But first I have to get this out of my system.

Rosanne has plans to go away for the night. Therefore, she has been "ready to go" ever since she got up, making her short with the children and snappish at the rest of us. Christian complains he doesn't feel well, and she says he has to go to school because if he doesn't, she can't go. (I had every intention of sending him, anyway - he's not sick.) I need to talk to her about this in front of Froda. Her focus is only on herself. The way I feel right now is that if she can't get this under control, she won't be going anywhere on school days. She can wait for the weekend. Or she can just stay home.

Happiness project - oh, what has happened? This is not the organized, straight-forward action I envisioned. But I am making progress. "Projects" are accomplished on the average of two a week. Some of my cupboards are cleaner. The house is neater. Maybe that's the best I can expect of myself right now. It's an improvement, no matter how you look at it, so I think I'm okay with it.

Monday Accounting

The day hasn't gone exactly as I planned, but it's going pretty well. Rosanne and I wanted to go to Ross and the 99-cent store; decided to go early and work later. We found a couple of new tops for Rosanne, a basket to hold the sheet music by the piano and a new toothbrush holder. Score!

What I've accomplished:

• Started chicken noodle soup for dinner
• Finished and put away laundry
• Swiffer-dusted the living room
• Cleaned the canned goods cupboard and reorganized
• Emptied a knitting bag and found a place to store my crochet hooks - decorative!
• Found some knitting time
• Shortened the second pair of sweat pants for Christian

Not such a bad day.

Girl's Night

Got together with Judie and Judy last night for our annual goal-setting. It wasn't really funny to go back and read last year's goals and realize that I'd made progress in maybe two out of the ten. I really intended to talk to them about my plan for change for this year, but couldn't quite make myself do it. It was like trying to reveal my inner workings, something I wasn't ready for, I guess. Anyway, I did come up with a few goals that I think reflect what I'm trying to do here:

• Faith - return to church
• Health - develop better eating habits
• Happiness - use my time more thoughtfully; schedule free time
• Family - repair my relationship with Rosanne
• Home - reduce

Seems pretty light, but maybe with only five goals, I have a better chance of accomplishing something.

Happiness Project progress? Not a lot. We had someone to come look at the computer yesterday, which meant that we had to do some kamikaze cleaning in the dirtiest room in the house, ours. It does look better with some of the dust cleared and papers thrown away. For today, I'm going to invest some time in organizing my knitting supplies. I just finished my Christmas projects (2012, not 2013), so it's a perfect time to sort things out a bit. I'll be satisfied with that.

We went to talk to our timeshare people yesterday and succeeded in not adding to our indebtedness. We did come away determined to use the points we have, though. So another goal, but this one's a family goal.

Mid-January Checking In

Well, it seems the last couple of days have been a wash. Well, not altogether. The wine rack and the cupboard where my casseroles and serving dishes are clean!! The only non-wine-related stuff in the rack is a wicker tray holding paper products - plastic wrap, etc. I'll find another place for it soon. Then I get to fill up the rack. And the cupboard now also holds the two enamel-cast iron pieces I own.

Today is Mackenzie's birthday and I'm also at work, so not much will be accomplished today. I think I can live with that. I'll be able to finish the last fingerless mitt on my needles tonight during the movie, so that's progress in another area.

Yesterday was my day at Mom's, and that is never a wasted day. Every time I see her now, I'm reminded that I won't have her forever. The twelve days I've guaranteed her out of the year to come is a paltry number. I wish I could commit to more, but my schedule would just lead to disappointment, so I won't go there. But I could call her more often. I don't like chatting on the phone, but that's no excuse. So for the next month, I'll commit to once a week. My goal will be to bump it up from there.

Rosanne was not well yesterday; she's had a couple of stressful days and she felt in danger of going into a manic attack. She called her psychiatrist and set up an appointment for today. To get ready for that, we had to go have her blood drawn. Since I planned to go to Mother's, I took Rosanne along. That way she didn't have to be alone and afraid and I didn't have to worry about her. While we were there, I took her to Ross and we bought her a nice pair of jeans and a new top. I spent the last of my Christmas money, but it's a small sacrifice. My mom does it for me all the time. Today, Rosanne's better. Her doctor is going to adjust her meds a little, and he told her to get rid of as much stress as she can. I'm going to make sure she shares this with her therapists next week. The crazy boyfriend is holding her back.

...or Maybe Not

It's two o'clock and the home stuff didn't get done earlier - probably won't later, either. I had to take Jim to meet his ride for work, which was no big deal, but it didn't leave me much breathing room this morning. I did finish paying bills, which is a major stress thing for me.

Mornings at the library can leave me a lot of time for thinking, so here's what's in my head. Saturday night I'm supposed to go have a girls night at the neighbor's. Her husband is out of town for the weekend, so we'll get together with a couple of other women and watch movies and snack. Also on the agenda is our annual date to share goals for the year to come. This started a couple of years ago on Judie's birthday and is slowly expanding to include a couple of other people. So my goals are on my mind. How much of this effort I'm making should be shared? Probably more than I would usually do, because there's no reason to stay so closed up.

But aside from the house stuff, a more important goal has been hanging around in my head. The relationship I have with my daughter is crap. It's not all her fault. I can be so pig-headed and sure that I'm right, and because it's my house, I usually get my own way. We've never been "snuggly"; as a child, she couldn't tolerate that kind of closeness. That will probably not ever change, although I won't say never. But I no longer think of her with kindness. I let my stress and overwhelming resentment get in the way of being really supportive of what she does.

So one of my major goals this year is to turn this situation around. For this month, I can make myself keep my mouth shut. If she uses her money for fast food instead of her daughter's birthday cake, shut up. Let her deal with it herself and keep your opinion to yourself. Think about my expectations of her and be thoughtful in how I express concerns. Currently, her style of dress bothers me, a lot. She's very immodest, and it bothers the men in our family. In presenting the problem to her therapist, I can be kind.

As far as goals tonight, maybe I can still get to that wine cupboard.

A Little Progress

My whole project got a giant jump start this weekend, no thanks to me. My dear husband thoroughly cleaned our bathroom, so the whole house feels better. In general, keeping up all the little tasks we're accomplishing is helping in making the house seem cleaner.

As for myself, maybe a little better. We had company right after work on Saturday and I more or less took Sunday off (which I'd like to do every week), but the week is already starting off with a better energy. What I accomplished before leaving for work at 12:30:

• Got kids moving and lunches packed
• Changed our bed
• Finished the laundry I started yesterday and put it all away
• Dusted and organized the hutch that holds all the DVDs
• Washed down the TV set, one sliding door and the family room mirror
• Set up my sewing area and got one pair of sweats shortened for Christian (one more to go)

So, not so bad. Tomorrow's a full work day - my time will be challenged. I can probably dust and reorganize my cookbook shelf. I did the recipe boxes yesterday, and I'd like to find a new place to store those. Probably put those in a cupboard though. Another option is the wine rack - much easier for a short day.

Reality Check

So was there anything crossed off of my to-do list before I left to work this morning? No. But here's what I did accomplish:

• Prepped two batches of pizza dough for tonight's dinner
• Rousted one grandson from his bed
• Packed lunches for all three grandchildren
• Consoled one grandson when he was hit in the forehead with a Nerf bullet, shot by the other grandson
• Removed all Nerf guns and admonished the offender
• Discussed upcoming birthday with the granddaughter and agreed to arrange a bowling party (and got Grandpa to do the arranging)
• Oh, and I did some reading when I could have been running around cleaning a counter. My bad.

This whole "project" isn't working for me. The way I have it arranged, I need to set aside dedicated time to get it all finished, and I can't rely on having the time.

One of the bloggers I read loves schedules and lists. In fact, she almost has it down to a science. She has opted to choose a theme for each month - January's is Energy - and she has a checklist of things she does every day for that month. Hers included: take a vitamin, spend 15 minutes decluttering, walk for 10 minutes. Her list is only six items. It may be more workable for me. Right now it feels liking I'm making no headway. If I stick to my January goal of getting the house in better shape, what six things could I list:

1. Clear the floor in the downstairs.
2. Empty and straighten one countertop area or shelf.
3. Spend 10 minutes dusting.
4. Spend 10 minutes with the window cleaner.
5. Spend an additional 10 minutes on one of the above.
6. Clean one bathroom surface.

This looks like one hour a day, and I wouldn't have to do it all at once. Let's give it a go.

Stumbling Blocks

Well, my intentions were good. What I did accomplish:

• Made dinner this morning as I knew afternoon was busy
• Took down the last of Christmas and dusted the piano and living room cabinet
• Packed the Christmas houses in their individual boxes
• Finished the body of the mitt I'm knitting
• Picked up the kids from school
• Attended counseling session with Rosanne

What got in the way:

• Shopping trip to Bed, Bath & Beyond, where I bought a new recipe box and a cookbook holder
• Finishing the body of the mitt I'm knitting

Oh, well.

Inching Forward

Mondays will mostly be devoted to cooking. To make the rest of the week easier, it's wise for me to cook two or three meals ahead. I've been working at this the last month and it is helping a lot. However, that doesn't leave me much time for cleaning, especially as there's usually a good bit of laundry to face, also. That being said, this is what I accomplished this morning:

• Chili cooked for dinner tonight and pulled pork for tomorrow started in the crockpot
• Three loads of laundry completed
• One Christmas box filled, leaving the living room table cleared

What I hope to get done this week:

• Sideboard and dining room table cleared
• All Christmas boxes put away
• Kitchen counters cleared
• Wine shelf organized - it would be nice if it held only wine
• DVD shelf cleaned and organized

Time I have available this week:

• Wednesday until 3:00
• Thursday between 10 and 3
• Free minutes in the mornings and after dinner (small chunks are better than no time spent at all)

Well, it's good to have goals.

Zoo Day

Well, I didn't manage to accomplish much other than library work yesterday, and today we took the munchkins to the zoo in Los Angeles. We had a good time and I think it's important for us to do this sort of thing more often. We still had the struggle over electronic entertainment when we got home, but we also got to giggle over orangutan poop, which doesn't happen every day.

I'm not giving up. Tomorrow it's put away Christmas, cook a turkey, and get ready for the week to come.

January 3

Doesn't feel like I made much progress today:

• Removed the ornaments from the Christmas tree
• Went to Costco for monthly shopping with Rosanne
• Divided, organized, stored the stuff we bought
• Took some of the Christmas stuff down from the family room
• Packed the Christmas dishes away and put my everyday cups back in the cupboard
• Cooked dinner
• Set up Poptropica accounts for the kids

Despite my best intentions, this is what life is like for me. It's not like I sat around doing nothing, but it doesn't feel like I made progress on the house. However, the part of the house I cleaned yesterday is still clean and is serving as the staging area for taking down Christmas. There is definitely forward momentum.

Tomorrow I work, so there won't be an opportunity to do much. My next area of straightening is going to be the family room/kitchen, so before work I could get some more of those decorations down. Better a little than nothing at all.

January 2

It's apparent that I'm going to have to think this project through a little more. Yesterday was kind of a wash - too many people under foot to try to get much done. Today is different, but how to measure what's done and what is the ultimate goal? The whole house done in a month? I don't think so. Maybe a month of concentrated effort will get me back in the habit of keeping the house up. Don't know. We'll see.

But for today, I:

• Put away the glassware and dishes left out from holiday meals.
• Cleaned the cabinet where said glassware/dishes are stored, pulling out items that I can get rid of.
• Dusted the living room.
• Vacuumed.
• Started pulling Christmas down and putting the pieces on the dining room table for storage.

It's a start and I'm going to be satisfied with it. An entire bag of trash went out and I vacuumed the wood floors. If I can keep those two things going, I will be ahead.

For tomorrow, I would like to get Christmas decorations out of the family room. That's doable. In addition, I would like to clean and sort the dvd collection.

New Year's Gift

I received a gift last night. It has become a neighborhood tradition to gather at one of the houses to ring in the new year. No one has to drive, everyone is ready to shut down at 12:05. Suits us all very well. This year we attended, but we arrived late. We had the grandchildren at home and instead of hiring a sitter or leaving a reluctant dad in charge, we began the evening by taking the little ones to see a movie and then have dinner.

By the time we joined the party, it was late enough that we would have had to do some serious drinking to catch up. We didn't. But we received such a warm welcome, the drink wasn't necessary. For various reasons, the feelings of most of the people there were raw and were right at the surface. These friends rely on one another for the kind of support that helps you keep your spirits up when things go wrong. If specific family issues are talked about, it's with a wryness that really doesn't let you offer sympathy. But last night was different. It may have been the wine, but there was a strong sense wanting to be connected. Then, out of the blue, one of the men said, "We never say much to you about it, but all of us admire you for what you do for your family." Someone else said, "We know how hard all of this has been for you, and you are doing a wonderful job."

It made such a difference. We never have to talk to them about it again. I now feel so surrounded by love, understanding and support. I also know I have been lacking in my support of them. There are major family issues being faced in almost every family here, and if I can do nothing else, I can remember them and pray.

• Tim and Judie's daughter is facing a decision about divorce. They feel so helpless. I can listen and I can pray for Stacy.
• Kent and Linda have three grandchildren who are living in a precarious, health-threatening situation. They've done all they can do for now and can only stand by to be available when they need to be. And they are struggling with the hurt feelings caused by a daughter making bad choices and blaming them for not picking up the pieces. I can pray for all of them, but especially the babies.
• Bill and Judie have had to leave a neighborhood that they love. We can all help them be staying in touch and being available to them to keep the ties unbroken.
• Jim and Debbie will have to deal with every New Year's Eve as the anniversary of their son's death, lost to drugs. In addition, they are fighting to keep the one son they have remaining alive and on a better path. Such a lonely walk for them. They need every prayer I can give.

Today feels like a new start. I intend to grab this gift of caring with both hands and carry it with me every day for the rest of my life.